


Awed

by ZestyLemon123



Category: The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anna is a great cousin, First Kiss, Fluff, Guilt, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Regret, Shadowhunters - Freeform, Shame, supportive family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:00:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27747133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZestyLemon123/pseuds/ZestyLemon123
Summary: Thomas feels terrible after threatening Alastair at the engagement party and can't help but feel incredibly guilty. As he is moping in his room, an unexpected guest knocks on his door.
Relationships: Alastair Carstairs & Thomas Lightwood, Alastair Carstairs/Thomas Lightwood
Kudos: 82





	Awed

*Thomas POV*

Thomas put his head in his hands.He didn’t know what he was doing, though everyone assumed he did.

Thomas had been hiding for 3 days now. James had visited. Matthew too. But nothing made a difference because it was Thomas that he was hiding from. Not the usual Thomas who offers advice and provides words of condolences when his friends are upset. Not the Thomas who holds beakers of strange fluids in Christopher's lab whilst he potters away at something dangerous. Not that Thomas but the monstrosity he had become at the engagement party.

The worst part, he knows, is that he shouldn’t feel this way. He should feel proud, that he did his friends justice. That he held his ground and didn’t let himself be awed by coffee-black hair and golden complexions. That he didn’t get lost in those deep, dark eyes, that held more secrets than truths.

But he did feel like this. He felt guilt gnawing on his insides as much as he pushed it down. As much as Matthew assured him what he had done was right, that that bastard had got what he always had coming for him. He tried to open his eyes but they were clouded with tears that made the room swim in strange lights, magnifying things that shouldn’t have been magnified. 

Thomas knew that he was not like most men in London. He had a secret that made most throw disgusted looks, that made other shadowhunters bow their heads in shame. He was……Even in his mind, he couldn’t form the word that had circulated his head ever since he had laid eyes on him at the Academy. Since he had tailed him like a lost puppy in need of a master. 

Thomas stood and walked from the bed clouded by the humid rained that poured down on the muggy streets of London. He took his large, awkward hands and traced 3 letters with quaking fingers. G.A... Before he could write the last looped letter, he heard a resounding knock on the oaken door. He sighed, a remorseful sound, and rubbed angrily at the letters on the window. Then he raked his hazel hair back and tried to look composed. He opened the door to find Matthew. However, he didn’t seem like his usual care-free self. He looked sombre, a rare expression to see on the youngest Fairchild’s face. Before Thomas could get a word in, Matthew held up his hand. “Please Thomas, just let me talk.” Matthew dragged Thomas’s huge body to the bed and forced him to sit. Thomas had no idea what was happening. “Look. I really owe you for what you did the other night. But...I don’t know. You’re off. We all noticed it. But I think I might know why. And what I’m about to say, is hard and although I hate them, clearly there must be something.” Thomas made to stand, but Matthew held up his hand again. Thomas knew what was happening and he could already feel the blush creeping up his neck. “Do you….Did you…..Are you…’’ Matthew seemed to struggle with the words. An unusual occurrence. Then Matthew just said it. “Are you in love with Alastair?” Matthew looked faintly embarrassed. So much honesty displayed on his usually unreadable face unnerved Thomas and told Matthew honestly. “Yes. I am. But he isn’t. He wouldn’t love me after what I said. And I know you hate him. I should too but I can’t. I just can’t. He might not even like me. Not that it matters now.” Thomas looked at the floor. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were gay! I would have understood, you know I would! I am proud of you Thomas but Alastair. Really? Suddenly a knock echoed downstairs. They both turned to look at each other. They already knew who it would be.

*Alastair POV*

Alastair had heard raised voices from the moment he had arrived at the Lightwood house. He heard Matthew Fairchild’s voice echo through the thin walls from outside “...Why didn’t you tell me you were gay?” That completely astounding sentence was followed by a sheepish voice that belonged to the one that had haunted every waking moment since the party. It was the reason he was here now. Even though everything in his brain advised him against it, his heart and feet had carried him here on this cold day. Alastair decided to rip off the metaphorical bandage. He knocked and heard the voices stop in deafening silence. Then one pair of footsteps came to the door. Alastair gulped. His adam's apple bobbed up and down but no one but the careful pair of eyes at the 2nd storey window would have seen it. The oaken door opened and a blond head glowered through. “Come in. Alastair.” His tone of voice made Alastair even more unsure about his decision but he was here now. He nodded and kept his eyes trained on the ground. Matthew made a crude hand gesture at his back that Alastair pretended not to notice as he descended the stairs.

Though there were many rooms on the 2nd floor, Alastair knew which one it was without needing directions. He knocked but only heard a resigned ‘come in’. He opened the door and came inside. He was wearing normal clothing, but he could feel the outline of his folded spears pressed against his thigh. He saw Thomas Lightwood sitting on the bed in the centre of the room. He had never seen him look more devastated, or frankly, more embarrassed. He could not stop himself. He knew what he was about to do. He knew the consequences would be severe. He walked over, grabbed the front of Thomas’s shirt and kissed him as if his life depended on it. Which it did, really. He didn’t expect the surprise to go to desire that quickly as Thomas started responding. Before Alastair could sink his hair hands into Thomas’s silky hair, Thomas pulled away, cheeks red eyes wide. His hazel eyes looked astounded, but also….Was it hate? Or something else. Alastair didn’t wait to find out. He hurried out of the room, leaving a confused Thomas behind.]

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Shadowhunter fic and I would really appreciate some feedback. It may have been a little OOC of Alastair but I don't know. Also, there will be of the Lightwood family in the next chapter so stay tuned.
> 
> Love,  
> ZestyLemon xx


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